Parking a Car in the City.

How to avoid getting tickets, following these simple tricks will keep you safe from the yellow menace:

1) Poop all over your windshield. Meter officers do not want to get close to human poo any more than the person handing out dry cleaning fliers or the guy who steals windshield wipers. Keep the whole area free of intrusion by smearing your feces across the lower portion of the window. Just park a little further from the entrance so as not to be arrested for indecent exposure. Oh, and always carry wet naps.


2) Boot all 4 wheels. Seen this city trick, when they don’t want to tow you but want to make sure you can’t take your car, they put a giant steel boot on your wheel rendering the car immovable. Beat them to it. When leaving your automobile parked on city hall steps, put a boot of your own on every wheel. They can’t put one on if its already there, and they can’t tow a car that has no rolling wheels.


3) Remove your wheels after parking. Further from #2, the immovable car is the well parked car.

4) Smooth the entire outer surface of your auto. Simple legality for parking officers, they have to be able to actually serve you the ticket. If you have no windshield wipers or air vents, or window seals etc. . . .there will be nowhere they can affix the ticket to your car. If they can’t give the ticket, you can’t get the ticket.

5) Only drive stolen cars. Park as usual, do your business, and return to your parking spot. If they’ve found the car, it will likely be gone. No problem: steal another and be on your way ticket free. Even if you do manage to get a ticket, its some other schmucks worry.

6) Park legally. ha ha, no just kidding folks. You’ll still get tickets, they’ve got no shame.


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9 Responses to “Parking a Car in the City.”

  1. ponch58 Says:

    My favourite is the ticket for parking overnight on a thoroughfare. This of course is not documented by signage, you are just supposed to know a: that this law exists and b: which streets are considered a thoroughfare.

    How can they get away with it you ask? Apparently, at city limits when there is a general speed limit sign, it is mentioned here. No parking on thoroughfares in off hours.

    Crooks I tell you! Why can’t the government make money the old fashioned way? Come up with a useless product and convince everyone they can’t live without it.

  2. remistevens Says:

    Government brand bottled water would bring in way more cash than tap water.

    That city limit sign, although ive never seen one, apparently also warns that no car can stay overnight in Toronto anywhere that isn’t a pay lot. sorry you got that ticket man, it was a good gamble.

    Who even knows where the city limits are?

  3. exuvia Says:

    “the city limits”? Ask someone whose concept of homeland security extends a 180 degrees in every possible direction.

  4. remistevens Says:

    Remiville has landmarks marking the city’s territory limits:

    A river of blood to the east,
    A mountain of steel to the north,
    The ocean of opulence to the west,
    and a line of urinated on bushes to the south.

    Stay out, all directions.
    These are the same people who look completely offended if you block their path for so much as a moment on the street or sidewalk. “Who the hell do you think you are making a left turn” honk honk “can’t you see i’m SUV shuttling my child to ballet?” honk honk honk

  5. exuvia Says:

    A river, a mountain, an ocean and a line…


    Love! the metaphors.

    P.S I’m going to be an infrequent visitor for a month+ Talking a trip with my wife for some heartfelt family visiting. Keep up the depth, the laughs, the absurdity and the intensity.

    I will experience some withdrawal symptoms but replenish my quota of silliness and social awe.

    Exuvia is not shed yet…

  6. remistevens Says:

    A whole month of traveling and family visits- you are very lucky. Enjoy, rejuvenate.

    intensely absurd deep laughs still in the works,

    thanks for always adding the poet’s assessment.

    later dude.

  7. Pretty Lousy Democracy. « The Remi Stevens Bolg Says:

    […] poor also don’t have time or money to get any action out of their government. I get an unfair parking ticket, I just pay it, its hardly worth my time to take a half day off work to fight for something worth […]

  8. Multi-Tasking « Safe Recipes From the Filthy Kitchen Says:

    […] that the first robot walking on the streets would be a vending machine. Either vending machines or meter maids, they’ve both been on the streets for years just waiting to get […]

  9. Filthy Kitchen Article: Multi-tasking « The Remi Stevens Bolg Says:

    […] that the first robot walking on the streets would be a vending machine. Either vending machines or meter maids, they’ve both been on the streets for years just waiting to get […]

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