How to Raise and Care for Companies.

By now, you’ve surely welcomed a company into your home; how can you not? They’re so adorable and persistent. Companies have made it into my home in my groceries, my shopped goods, through the internet- I even get them through the phone. And look out the window, what do you see? Companies. Right now their is a cute little Ford snuggling up to a Honda on my street, a company is cutting the grass next door, and an Alarm Force munchkin is peering at me through my neighbours door across the way. Who can say no?


To help with their upbringing, I figured i would share a little knowledge on the care and raising of companies. A company is not something to be trifled with. Left to their own devices, the little buggers can get into a lot of mischief. Sure, sure, you may say, ‘leave company handling to the government, isn’t that their job?’. You have me there, its true, but the government is just as enamored with companies as we are. Worse yet, companies, especially big ones, seem to dedicate a lot of their affections towards government. So we’ve all got to take a part and make sure these companies get the care they need. You don’t let the kids loose in the candy store, unless you want some fat unruly kids. Remember, one day these companies may grow to be corporations or even conglomerates.


We need to deal with the eating and pooing of companies fast. They’re everywhere, and spaying and neutering the population only seems to stifle out younger companies- leaving the giant ones to consume the corpses of the small. We need to accept that they are here and they are rampant and that they will continue to poo and eat. Spouting off about revolutions, and system upheaval will only get you laughed at. A large population of companies is troublesome, but there are over 6 billion of us people and we are also allowed to get as fat as we like; so how would it be fair to limit the amount or size of companies?


So first with the eating. Companies favour consuming richer, juicier, sources of sustenance; unfortunately these often consist of irreplaceable natural resources. When i want my cat to do something, i encourage him into options that will suit us both- portioning his food, leaving copies of Yarn Magazine by the litterbox, yelling at him if he’s bad. Its a language he understands. Its the same with companies, but the yelling is done on paper and you use the language companies understand:

$$$ $$$$$$$$ $$ $$$$$ (The language of money)

Its not their fault, they gotta chase money to survive. Its, uh, dog eat company out there. Companies without money cease to exist pretty fast, and the competition can be brutal. Its tough for the little guys so give em a break alright.


So what does that mean for us exactly? Well first and foremost, use the limited amount of ‘treats’ you have available as incentives for companies to do the right thing. You’ve heard this many times, its called being an ethical consumer:

-Buy organic foods so companies will want to move away from genetically modified organics and chemicals.

-Buy local, if we all did this, companies like Walmart would no longer want to ship plastics back and forth across the oceans.

-Invest in ethical funds, if it was popular enough the other type of investing would be harder to come by.

-Use cleaner energy like Bullfrog ‘green’ power instead of regular dirty electricity.

-Buy efficient cleaner appliances; push the demand for good goods.

-Find alternatives to home chemicals.

-Egg the local McDonalds

Throw your garbage into landfills to make it a juicier source of company sustenance- like drizzling a little gravy on the stale dog food.

-Buy nothing at ‘Super Stores’, nobody likes a lazy pet. Make them come to you not vice-versa.


I know, I know, it takes costlier ‘treats’ to get the ethically minded companies into your home. Sure, you can get rats into your home by simply leaving a bag of garbage on your doorstep. Instead, bare the expense, buy bird seed and a feeder. You will find the companies you attract will make better friends and you’ll be doing a much greater service to your neighbours.

Now consider the pooing. Companies create excessive waste all the time, and they consume like crazy. I can put up a barrier to my kitchen to try and keep the cat out, but he’ll find a way in and poop there anyways if he wants to. We’ve got to make companies want to poo in the right place. Companies engage in planned obsolescence. They also encourage trend purchasing, and grossly over-packaging their goods to fit in advertisements and to market their products as greater than they are. All of this equates to a massive stinking pile of wasted resources and energy.


If companies needed to deal with their poop, they’d want to do less pooing. Why would you design a cell phone that breaks in 3 months if you needed to bare the cost created when it breaks? Waste management should be exclusively handled through business taxes. You dealt it, you smell it. Think about it, how many things in your home did you actually create yourself from natural resources? I can’t think of a damn thing. Maybe up at the cottage there are some driftwood sculptures, but that’s about it. Someone else drilled the oil to make my shitty phone, i just used it briefly.If we didn’t make the waste, why are we obligated to pay for it? My cat poos in the litter box because its the best of his options. Since companies only understand the language of money, pooing in the ‘right place’ needs to be the cheapest option. . . . .. For now, the cats are shitting where ever they want. And why not? Their masters aren’t doing a damn thing about it, we just keep picking up the poo and leaving bags of easy treats on our doorsteps.


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11 Responses to “How to Raise and Care for Companies.”

  1. ponch58 Says:

    Wow man! You sure tagged the shit outta this one!

    Great post! Very witty! I especially liked the “pouring gravy on stale dog food” analogy.

    It’s fine and good to say the onus is on the consumer to stay outta the “superstores”, but it’s just not feasible. As it does with companies, the only language humans seem to understand is $$$$$ $$$ $ $$$$$ $$$$. When a person can go to a Walmart and buy something for 1/2 the price as a mom and pop shop, 99% of them will go to Walmart.

    Why isn’t it the governments responsibility to tax the shit outta these “superstores” and even things out for the general business. How about a “gross sales tax”. Taxes on companies selling outrageous quantities. Or a “Diversity Tax” on companies selling everything from cotton swabs to cars to small plastic bits to make raspberry jam have more seeds. If “taxes” is too scary a word, go the other route. “Incentives” Grants for smaller companies who specialize in a product. This would force companies to specialize and the outcome would be quality.

  2. remistevens Says:

    Used the google keyword analysis tool. You punch in your webpage and it gives you a list of keywords to use as tags. I just got carried away and was too lazy to sort out the ones that were not really relevant. Do you think someone looking for ‘pug puppy training’ will be satisfied with this page?

    Its true what you say about consumers, we have very little choice anymore. Even if you do manage to buy your stuff from a variety store or something independent, chances are, they’ve bought their wares from a superstore anyways. So few retailers left . . . .

    I like your solutions. Its so silly that tax is a bad word, there will always be taxes, people get used to it. We need a government, the cash needs to come from somewhere. Question is, who is responsible for what? Personally, i think the 5 guys selling things should pay for waste management- not the 30 million guys forced to shop at their stores.

  3. remistevens Says:

    Its funny though. Look at any product. What characters get the largest font in the marketing. Is it words like ‘quality’ or ‘durable’ or even ‘good’? No. The largest print is always the one with the #’s. Price is King. Its been beaten into our heads so many times we could no longer care less what the product is, just as long as its cheap.

  4. exuvia Says:

    This is the longest tag list I have ever seen. Was that a copy-paste job or did you just display a serious anal trait. I am breathless and slightly envious.

    Love the take on raising and caring for companies; very creative and true… Company poop, smelly little pets. We are slightly to blame for keeping them.

    I say put them in an airtight bag and hold them to the exhaust for 5 minutes. If that is lacking too much sensitivity towards the environment a couple of boulders in a sack and the nearest lake is a clean way to do it.

  5. remistevens Says:

    Used google analytics for the tag list. You feed in your URL and it gives you back a huge list of applicable keywords. Even tells you which ones are most searched for and/or least responded to. I overdid it though, i just copied and pasted the whole thing. I should trim some of it back i guess.

    hmmm. too big to flush.

    gruesome man, I love it

  6. exuvia Says:

    Google analytics isn’t that what homeland security uses to survey the digital sky for potential unfriendly editorial activity?

  7. exuvia Says:

    Back to your tag list; I feel like the guy in brilliant mind trying to see a pattern. I have been staring for hours and I think I’m beginning to see something…

  8. ponch58 Says:

    It’s a sailboat. If you stare long enough you will see a sailboat

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