Jim Smetchland Reviews!

The all new site in the Remi empire! He’s been letting you know what he thinks of The Filthy Kitchen, now he’ll bother you with all his opinions.

All About Steve
Ughh…Alright so i watched some Sandra Bullock movie. Dr. Johnny Fever was in it as her dad, which was cool, but there wasn’t a ton more to expect. . . .The usual crap where Demi is the main character and she’s all crazy and neurotic at first having awkward exchanges with men in elevators and such. Then we find out she’s not just crazy, she has some talent- in this case it was trivia knowledge. Being a brainiac and endearing qualities take Julia from nuts to eccentric. Another movie where the message is that its OK to be different (just as long as you compromise and become like everyone else). . .All these movies about nothing have a few specified characteristics to try and give them some depth. You know, two boggle champions fall in love, or the hero is obsessed with her purse or some shit. In this flick you can look forward to boots and crossword puzzle writing.

Jim Smetchland’s Rating: C

Star Trek 2009
I was a bit skeptical going into this one.. ,wait. I’ll lay down my level of Trekness before i continue. Love the old trek, next generation and the movies- everything else trek is total crap. I’m not a superfan who can tell you who did what when and how many times such and such happened, but i could name all the regular characters from both crews. My nerd rating is maybe a C+ on trek. . . ..So Leonard Nemoy was in this one, which is cool for all the old time fans- I love when he shows up on The Simpsons. Shaun of the Dead guy Simon Pegg was young Mr. Scott. Which was a great selection- since the original Scotty was a riot. They chose all new young cast members to play Kirk and the gang. The story was set earlier in their history when the original crew all meets. The acting was good, right down to mannerisms, but i don’t know if they all really looked the part. These people were all just too pretty. Compared to other Trek movies, this one was an action super/action, good story line as well- with plenty of stuff to impress those of us familiar with the characters. One of them kisses Uhura! But it was no Wrath of Khan . . . . I did fall asleep and missed the means by which they solved the crisis, but I’m sure it was a string of techno mumbo jumbo as is the usual solution.

Rating B+

No Shatner in this one! Maybe they wouldn’t let him rap.

Jurassic Park
Janis Wetmore: Contributor

Best movie ever. Really, ever.

I’ve never seen another movie where a lawyer gets eaten on the toilet – blew my mind. Not to overlook timely issues, JP offers lessons about genetic engineering, habitat encroachment and obesity. Samuel L plays a convincing computer-savvy chain smoker with Newman from Seinfield as a back-handed coworker. The always entertaining Jeff Goldblum plays a preachy and flirtatious geek…weird.

The only thing that could have possibly made Jurassic Park an even better movie, would have been if the kids got eaten by the tyrannosaurus in the last scene.

Rating: I stole the whole box set (A+)

2012: Supernova
I remember watching 2012: Supernova maybe 2 months ago. Common theme, sun wiping us out. I had thought i was about to watch the new 2012 with John Cusack, but this was a low budget flick that beat them to the apocalyptic punch. Movies are easy to sell when they freak you out for real, if i had a dollar for every time the world was supposed to end. Here’s a thought people, maybe the Mayans and others wrote a bunch of freaky stories because of the astronomical event and not vice versa. We don’t ACTUALLY turn into wolves during an eclipse, but I wouldn’t be surprised to hear multiple “Seers” had predicted so . . . .Wait this was a movie review. Oh man, i’m sorry it was too long ago, and it was really bad, the only thing i seem to remember are shots of people driving pickup trucks in the country. There might have been a guy with a hat.

Rating: D-

What a piece of Shit. The Chinese food i was eating while watching this made me sick, i didn’t even bother to pause it. Starring Alan Thicke as a boring doctor in a comedy, there were a couple funny moments, but thats the most. The RoboDoc guy was unoriginal- ever wonder what Star Trek’s Data character would be like as a Doctor? They could have at least gotten the real Data . . . John Byner was in it, who was really funny in Transylvania 6-5000 but they didn’t really have him say anything interesting in this one. He’s also the guy from that always late night sketch comedy show from the 80’s, Bizarre. Bud from Married With Children was in it, and Parker Lewis Can’t Loose guy- neither of which were any good. Offensiveness? Some racism, also a point where a patient is treated like a king because he has health insurance (give me a break). However, there was a lawyer character who was funny and anything in the movie that was any good seemed to revolve around his schemes- but i’m not going to bother looking him up as this movie really sucked and its not worth it. . . .Someone with an overstock of lab coats and b tv stars decided to make a movie.

Rating: D

Transylvania 6-5000
Transylvania 6-5000 is one of the coolest movies ever made! I know, I know, its really cheesy and some of the jokes are pretty corny, but the setup and resolution are classic. A great 80’s flick! Jeff Goldblum is in it, so its bound to be good. Did you see him in bodysnatchers yet? You may know him as the quirky math guy from the Jurassic Park movies- also pretty awesome cheesy-ness. . . . Let’s see, Ed Begley Jr is great as well- such a sap and, AND Micheal Richards (Kramer) playing one of the funniest characters from any movie- way before Seinfeld. Always playing ‘pranks’ he thrusts an ashtray into Ed Begley Jr’s face suggestively and insists, “smell it, smell the glass, is good no?” There are many scenes in this movie where you can almost swear Goldblum is laughing at the ridiculousness of every other actor’s character.. . .. The wolfman, a slutty vampire, a swamp mutant who’s only real mutation is a weird way of holding his knee. . . .Over the top, wacky good fun!

Rating A+


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2 Responses to “Jim Smetchland Reviews!”

  1. ponch58 Says:

    What a load of crap! Can’t you review some movies that people actually care about? You know like a Wayan’s bros. movie or something? Perhaps “Little Man” or “White Chicks” You know something with a plot and some great acting?

    What’s your problem with Julia Moore Bollocks anyways. I think she really appeals to people because she is simple. I mean really, really simple. You know, like that guy from “Something about Mary” that can’t find his baseball?

    You better start reviewing something important or I’m gonna quit reading this shit!

    God damned waste of my time!!

  2. remistevens Says:

    Had the idea, then watched a series of shitty movies. Yea, these were some pretty lousy titles/ and or/ things people already know about. New one up today, recent and popular- hopefully that’ll be more important. I promise the content of the review will be just as useless as previous leavings.

    Julia- Its true, horses do appeal to many people.

    No such thing as an important movie- unless you call it a film and then it can be friggin brilliant!

    Relax, your time isn’t worth much.. . . . .

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